Pardon me for sounding like a nutcase

For months, my actions have not failed to confuse the crap out of me and my laziness, or lack of words, has prevented me from putting this all in writing. I find that writing everything down, no matter how inane or senseless it may seem when written, helps bring clarity and understanding to problems in my life. If anything, it helps me to understand what exactly it is that is happening. Sometimes, so many things are happening all at once that I have no reasons or explanations for, and then it just seems to pass in a blur and I’m left gasping for breath wondering what it was that just happened.

For several months, I’ve been doing things that are completely irrational. Actually, they make a bit of sense to me, but when I try to explain it to someone else (which is rare, considering I rarely open up to other people even if we’re close to death), they’re left in complete disarray. They find that they cannot decipher my rationale for decisions that I make. They’re left more confused than they were before I dished out my feelings to them. This leaves me to rely on only myself, which up until now has been the lonely, but sensible, path. Only I understand my own motives. The issue here is that there is only so much that I do understand. There’s so many holes that I try to fill and make sense of, but it just doesn’t happen no matter how hard I try. This complicates matters quite a bit. It’s unsettling to have the knowledge that, well, you have no knowledge about a certain something having to do with yourself. It doesn’t sit too well with me.

I think the ideal thing to do is write everything out on this blog and make it private when it’s too personal to share with the whole world. I should do that on a regular basis. However, I don’t. I’m not sure why this is the case. Perhaps I’m too lazy. Perhaps I subconsciously feel that writing it all out is pointless. Perhaps I think I cannot string together coherent sentences that can articulate my innermost thoughts, because these thoughts simply cannot be verbalized. I’m not sure what it is exactly that hinders me and that bothers me, because I can be helping myself in such great ways if I only found a proper outlet through which I could relay my issues.

Ugh. I hate how I sound like a nutcase in this blog. This is definitely not anything like how this blog used to sound a year ago! Yuck, yuck. I think I really, truly am going insane and that’s no exaggeration. I mean it. It’s late. I should go to sleep before I write anything else that I’ll regret when I remember my blog in the morning.